I WANT MY VERY OWN BOB THE BUILDER FOR CHRISTMAS

Sometimes I fantasise that I'm married to Bob The Builder. Or wish I could get a real life Bob for Christmas. Or borrow one from next door (much like one "borrows" sugar) with no real intension of ever returning him. It's sometimes taxing living with a man who should really reprint that "Make Do and Mend" poster to read " Make Do and DON'T Ever Fix". I'm not a rabid feminist, but it would be awfully nice to be married to a man who actually owned a tool kit - even if it was missing bits. Johnnie has a 6-screwdriver thingie from Muji which looks like it should hold Tampax, a very old hammer, a lethal ( and completely pointless ) saw, hundreds of random nails, a decaying selection of raw plugs and a defeatists attitude towards DIY. It's virtually his only flaw. He is brilliant at puffing up cushions nicely, bed-making, flower arranging et al, but give Johnnie a household chore and he goes into free-fall. It's just not "his thing".
First goes into total denial. This is the hardest part to live with. He pretends it's "normal" for a door to be coming off its hinges/a light to flicker/a loo to sound like a Jumbo jet is revving-up for takeoff every times it's flushed. Then he plays what I privately refer to as the "anti-entitlement" card. He mumbles that only "spoilt" people ( i.e. me ) care about mould growing on bedroom walls or split wooden loo-seats that snap at your crutch every time you pee. Next up is the avoidance phase where he half-heartedly flicks through an incredibly old telephone book and makes a desultory call to someone called Dave - and they nearly always are called Dave - and eventually gets hold of Dave's wife. Dave's wife never passes on a message ( except perhaps to tell her husband that "that bloody nightmare man has called you again. Remember? The one who didn't realise the cleaner had plugged the Hoover into the Sky plug. Yeah - that loony one) and after waiting a week I call someone from the Yellow Pages. Johnnie is so insanely impressed with this stranger's skills he virtually invites him to spend Christmas with us. Which come to think of it - is not such a bad idea.