THE SEVEN YEAR ITCH

I've come to the conclusion that pedicures are ultimately the work of the devil. They're fabulous, they're pampering, they're girlie, they're relaxing - but tragically, unless one is blessed with the type of chaffeur-driven,baby-soft feet that spend most of their days walking in white sand, a bi-monthly pedi can do more harm than good. I've just come from an appointment at the chiropodist, and basically they told me what I always knew but never dared to admit.
The quick soak in an an up-market washing-up bowl, a savage nail clipping,  a scrape-down with sandpaper before the gouging-out of the side of ones nails is all well and good, but years of it buggers up your feet.

For 7 years I have suffered from excessive hard skin on my feet coupled with night-time, eczema-style itching.I've been to dermatologists, G.P.'s, podiatrists,been tested for allergies to leather, nylon, plastic and washing-up detergents. I've plastered my feet with cortisone cream; worn white cotton socks to bed , cut out wheat, dairy, taken anti-histamines yet nothing and no-one has cured me. I've had the Seven Year  Itch.
Then I found a local chiropodist. Nothing fancy; nothing swanky. Somewhere that looks like a medical establishment trapped in a 1960's time-warp with nice ladies that actually love your feet enough to take care of them.
I've spent years reading back-issues of Closer magazine whilst anonymous, under-paid foreigners with one eye on a plasma screen playing continuous  MTV chatted to their fellow workers and discussed which pot-noodles to eat for lunch. A chiropodist offers no frills, and no Rouge Noire reward. Instead, they're interested in which Nike's you're wearing to exercise in. They don't talk; they tut. Walk-in nail bars have the same dialogue the world over:
"You want foot massage?"
"You go on holiday?"
" You want French?" And then The Killer Question:
" You need blade to remove skin?"
I probably never NEEDED a blade, but like the sword of Damocles out it would come. And like a true beauty-junkie, I'd let a cheap-and-cheerful (and quite possibly, unqualified) hacker mutilate my trotters.
The moment the recession hit and I stopped, my feet looked fabulous.
" Pedicures generate and regenerate hard skin," explained the chiropodist, gently using an electric sander for all of 30 seconds to buff away surface hard skin. " It creates a vicious circle. And for someone with feet like yours that's not a wise move."
So no more pedicures for me unless they're medicinal ones. I occasionally treat myself to a professional varnish but I've given up getting the quick-fix and as a consequence no longer suffer from being hacked. What a result.